To Have Loved and Lost
by Whyte Board Marker
Summary: "To have love then shun it, that my friend is the worst sin in a man's life. Then he does not deserve such a love and the universe shall right itself." Marshall Mann meets an odd man in a pinstriped suit in the desert, The pair have a chat about the women they love and have lost. Rated Teen for short instances of language.


**Characters belong to the BBC and USA. No copyright infringement is intended. No monetary gain is earned from this.**

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Marshall Mann was stomping though the sparse bushes at the back of his home, making an effort to flatten the more stubborn ones. It was a rather clear night, all the stars were visible he noted as he continued forward into the desert of New Mexico. Mary had left him, left him to run away with that asshole Faber while he was left nursing a battered and bruised heart. He had told her he loved her, not in those exact words but he still basically spilled his bleeding heart on her desk. She listened but did not acknowledge him. He played his cards, it was her turn and then she chose to run. It was not for the lack of trying on his part. It was just Mary was very… _flighty_ every time he opened his mouth about his feelings for her.

Maybe he should just stop and move on. Maybe Mary wasn't his to hold as much as his heart disagreed on that thought. Why else would she run? Perhaps she didn't see him as anything more than a friend. Mary may never be one to settle but he was now in his forties and he was aching to. He wanted to start a life together with her. He wanted a little girl with blonde hair as brave as her mother or a boy as brash as her. He wanted busy mornings and lazy nights, days spent in bed and nights in each other's arms. He wanted so much _more_. He could nothing now though but only wait for her return to settle this.

He was almost over a small hill when he heard a man's voice. He was singing a rather mournful tune, together with sobs and hiccups. Marshall was instantly weary, it was always the emotional ones that made rash decisions. He dropped down to his knees and crawled over to the summit and peaked over the other side. A man in a blue suit, with brown hair was lying on the ground with arms outstretched to either side. About three hundred feet away, Marshall saw one of the most astounding sights of his life.

A beautiful blue Police Box was thrumming away in the distance. His eyes widened. So the conspiracy theories he loved learning about were true. The Doctor was real, an alien who travelled through time and space, only appearing where death takes place. Marshall stiffened then relaxed. New Mexico was not in any danger that he knew of, death couldn't possibly be lurking about.

"I know you're watching me."

Marshall jumped. The Doctor was still lying on the ground, keeping his position.

"You can shoot me for trespassing if you want," he said. Then under his breath, "I'll refuse regenerate."

Marshall slowly made his way over the hill, hesitating once he reached near the Doctor. He stood there unable to move. The Doctor had his eyes shut but his face was wet. Marshall had heard sobs after all.

"Aim at the head. It will be quicker and I've suffered enough through ten lifetimes."

Marshall continued looking at the Doctor perplexed. Did he really want him to commit murder near his own home? The Doctor opened his eyes and located him. They were quite red and puffy, suggesting a long time of crying. Marshall moved over to the Doctor's head and sat down next to him. The Doctor sighed and sat up, fixing his long skinny legs Indian style.

"I'm not carrying my gun right now," Marshall said, looking over to the Doctor.

"That's a shame. I smelt the gun powder from the bullets on you." The Doctor said, playing with his shoelaces.

"Do you really want to die Doctor?"

The Doctor looked up startled. "How did you know it was me?"

Marshall pointed at the blue box and the Doctor nodded.

"Oh. Right." The Doctor sagged back down into a relaxed pose.

"I look up on conspiracy theories all the time. It is amazing how much of you there is on the Internet."

The Doctor took in a big inhale and exhaled. "I know." He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm somewhat of a legend or a myth which is obviously false since I'm here in all the glory of the flesh and bones of my people."

"Is something wrong here? Is that why you came?" Marshall had to ask.

The Doctor slowly shook his head. "I just set her on random and begged for a peaceful place."

"Her?"

The Doctor nodded towards the blue box. "My TARDIS. She's sentient."

Marshall was fascinated. "It's alive?"

The Doctor was slightly furious. "She is not an it! She is the best ship through time and space!"

Marshall put up his hands to placate him. "So what would have happen to her if I had killed you?"

The Doctor sagged defeatingly. "She would have died along with me. We're bonded. She's the last of her kind and so am I. She does not deserve that," he whispered softly. "She was supposed to be decommissioned when I took her away. She saved me more than I have ever saved her."

The two sat in silence for a while, gazing at the stars. It was peaceful and quiet, not even the howl of a coyote could be heard.

The Doctor stretched his arm out and pointed at a bright star. "I took my friend there once. It was after I blew up Downing Street. She wanted to see how the planet of the Slitheen looked like. When she saw them she-"

Marshall watched as the Doctor froze when he realised what he was saying. He slowly brought his hand to his mouth, resting his thumb on his lip and putting the weight of his head on it. His eyes were glassy again and he inhaled a shaky breath. He had to tread carefully now. It was obvious that something horrible had happened to this woman he spoke of if she elicited such a reaction from him.

"The woman I loved ran off with a jackass to Mexico after I told her how I felt." Marshall just let that sit between them. It took the spotlight off from the Doctor. Or so he thought.

"She made it obvious each time too," the Doctor began. "I was just a daft idiot who thought it was best to prevent the obvious pain of losing her if we were together by pushing her away." He let out a sharp bark of laughter. "But guess what? It hurts more than I could have ever imagined." He stretched out his long legs in front of him. "I wasted all this time. We could have had so much but I'm a coward, every time I'm a coward."

Marshall contemplated the Doctor's words. Could Mary be possibly be pushing him away to prevent being hurt?

'Your lady is an idiot. Tell her the most brilliant man in the universe said so. Wait, don't. That's quite rude. Rude and not ginger." The Doctor plucked a tiny weed from the ground and peeled the leaves from the stem then stuck it in his mouth before promptly spitting it away. "That's disgusting. Don't taste it."

Marshall arched his eyebrow at him. "I won't."

"Good." The Doctor sighed and leaned back, propping himself on his elbows. "I lost her. She's gone. Locked away in a parallel universe where she doesn't exist. I can't get her back."

"Parallel universes exist?" Marshall's thirst to confirm popular theories was making itself known.

"Of course they do!" The Doctor looked at him incredulously. "Humans," he snorted, "always thinking they know everything. Not even I, myself knows everything. That's why I travel the universe."

Marshall looked up to the stars, they were quite beautiful tonight. "I'll bet you have seen amazing things."

"Yes. I have. 'Cept it's better to share it with someone."

"Is that what you did with her?" Marshall asked.

The Doctor sat back up and pulled his legs back in. "Yes. She was so much more than that. She changed me you know?" He brushed out his pant leg. "I was a battered solider, so full of anger and hate. Then she showed me what it meant to live. _How_ to live," he drifted off. He stared at the star he pointed at previously.

"And yet you wanted me to shoot you," Marshall stated. "Is that how she would have wanted you to do?" The Doctor simply did not make sense.

"I almost killed myself today. I would have stayed and drowned if Donna didn't stop me."

"Who is Donna?" Was that the name of the woman he lost?

The Doctor waved his hand. "Some bride that ended up on the TARDIS. Long story short she was being drugged by her supposed to be husband who teamed up with the Rancross."

"Rancross? Are they alien?" The Doctor's short tale was so intriguing.

"Yup," the Doctor said, popping the p.

"Huh. So I guess there are aliens all over the Earth with us then."

The Doctor laughed. "You have no idea. Some have been here since before humans and before the Earth as you know it began."

They fell back into a relaxed silence again

"I burnt up a star to say goodbye to her." The Doctor began. "There was a miniscule crack in the walls between the universes." He went back to plucking the weeds. "She told me she loved me and because I was a fool who wasted time, time decided to cut me short. The last thing I said to her was her name. I'll never see her again, never hear her voice again." The tears were back, silently streaming down his face. "I've lived with many regrets in my long tiresome existence but this one, this one will be my greatest. To have love then shun it, that my friend is the worst sin in a man's life. Then he does not deserve such a love and the universe shall right itself."

Marshall listened wordlessly. The Doctor made sense about the universe correcting itself, too hard on himself but still made sense. Not to deserve love? That was a harsh judgement to make about oneself. "Who is to say you don't deserve love?"

The Doctor let out a massive sigh. "The universe apparently. The devil did say she was going to die in battle and now she's officially dead on record."

Marshall's eyebrows skyrocketed. "The devil?"

"Well, that was what it called itself. It was impossibly old. Even I could not tell its age. Of course Rose defeated it. I believe in her. I always will." The Doctor had reached a rather stubborn weed. He pulled it with more force but it refused him.

Marshall finally had a name to the woman who had the Doctor's unconditional love. "Her name was Rose then?"

Some of the blades snapped from the root of the weed the Doctor was struggling with. He clenched it in his fist then released it to scatter on the cold ground. "Yeah. Her name was Rose. Rose Tyler and I loved her. She would always remain in my hearts."

'Hearts?" asked a shocked Marshall.

"Binary vascular system. Two hearts." The Doctor gestured to either side of his chest. "I have no idea how you people manage with just one heart," he complained.

"Don't knock it! It serves us well enough," Marshall defended.

"I suppose so. Then again your immune systems are probably far worse." He look at the slight anger on Marshall's face. "I'm being rude again. Sorry. I'm so sorry. It's like I don't have a filter on what I say. Quite annoying actually. But sometimes helps me stall until I come up with a brilliant plan. I can go on and on and on without stopping! It is one of the first things I noticed about this regeneration. I've got a gob. Gob. Such a strange word. It originated in-"

"Doctor," Marshall cut him off.

"Sorry again." The Doctor nodded to Marshall. The pair fell in to a mutual silence.

"I should try again with Mary. I won't let her go so easily," Marshall declared.

"I think you should." The Doctor finally uprooted the persistent weed and made a triumphant noise. "You never know how much time you have left. Learn from my mistake and do not repeat it."

"I'll listen to you Doctor. I'll speak to her when she gets back." Marshall began planning that conversation immediately.

"Why wait?" The Doctor rose up suddenly to his feet and brushed the dust from the legs of his pants off. "Go to her."

"I guess I can. No time like the present right?" Marshall stood too and dusted himself off as well.

The Doctor smiled. "Nope," he said, popping the p. "You decide the future. It's never set in stone."

Marshall stuck his hand out to the Doctor. "Thank you Doctor. I wish you can find a way back to Rose."

The Doctor took Marshall's hand in both of his and gave a hearty shake. "Rose will mostly likely do that before me. She's brilliant." The Doctor laughed a sound of pure joy. "Thank you for the talk."

Marshall shook his hand again. "It was my pleasure Doctor." He watched as the Doctor released his hands and made his way towards the blue box before he stopped and turned around.

"I never did get you name." The Doctor stuck his hands into his pockets.

"Marshall Mann. US Marshal."

"Marshal Marshall Mann. I love it!" The Doctor laughed. "I'll look out for you Marshal Marshall Mann."

Marshall smiled and nodded to the Doctor, giving him a wave before turning and making his way back to the house. A wheezing groaning noise startled him and he instantly looked for the source. There in the distance, the blue box was disappearing as it groaned until it was no more. Marshall chuckled to himself and continued his way home. He had a flight to Mexico to catch.


End file.
